Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
This meeting could have been a cake
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”