confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
🤣✨#caturday
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”