Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.