Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.