I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.