My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
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Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
this post was so formative to me
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.