@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.