I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.