COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*