Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*