Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
You Might Also Like
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
they split up moments later
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*