Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I have no passwords left in me
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.