I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Merry Christmas
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty