My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Eat…
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
socratic questions
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.