Netflix and awkward silence?
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.