Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.