I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.