I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Name another movie that mislead you?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.