Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
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Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what