I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
At least try to make it slightly believable
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do