“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
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My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.