Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’m going to need a moment here.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession