You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
#SuperBowl
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
There is no try. There is only give up.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
secret recipe
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.