Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
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*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four