Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Very good news from my accountant
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way