In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers