Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.