I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
He’s cranky this morning
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”