*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Just a friendly reminder!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉