My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.