me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger