App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Botany good plants lately?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?