devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Goat cheese is for herders.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”