Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”