The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now