Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
he was correct
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?