it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
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Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
called in thicc to work this morning
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.