calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Snapes on a plane.
I think this cat is broken
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries