me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.