10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor