you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My god she’s good.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.