If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Cat is stressing him out.