The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Love this guy
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it