HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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Sheep
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
taking June’s advice to heart
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.