Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.