Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return