I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?