They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
me as a parent
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.