Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.