Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
You Might Also Like
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Geez man, take it easy.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.